I cleared the fogged up mirror with my palm and stared at the pair of eyes looking back at me. Wet strands of hair clasped to her face. Her dark circles have worsened, eye bags look permanent and skin is breaking out again. I smiled apologetically. "She is tired", my heart whispered.
This time, instead of shaking my head and turning
away, I stood there staring deep in those eyes. She has been part of my
dreams, my struggles, my doubts and my fears and yet she seems so
distant, so lost to me. I have made her run around in circles when I
knew she skipped two meals in a row. I have kept her hooked up on that
book when her lids were getting heavier. I have pushed her and stretched
her to the point she would snap. I have been cruel and ruthless but she
bore all of it silently. And now she's showing signs. Signs of
surrender. Despite all the supplements, she lost some more pounds. Her
shoulders were stiff. Her feet hurt. A lot. All the time. Her eyes burn
at night. And by now they were welling up with tears. Trickling down her
wet cheeks. One after another. I placed my forehead on the cold mirror
and cried a little with her. I need me. More often than I think.
Did you ever
feel such a tug of war happening inside you, between dreams, expectations,
obligations and responsibilities? All of these grasping on to the rope
of time in a ceaseless tussle. Every day there is one winner among these
but you are always the loser. Ever told yourself that the only way to
beat down stress is to just get the work done? And then the
perfectionist inside you takes over, pushing you to go an extra mile,
maybe a little more until you realize you have been sitting in the same
position for hours.
Setting high goals for oneself is never
wrong. Taking initiative and having a strong self-drive are most
desirable qualities one could have. But operating at this end of the
spectrum carries some potential costs. These costs are the ones we are
ready to pay believing the return outweighs them, but these little costs
build up to something so ugly that it disrupts all your activities and
deteriorates your health. I am also guilty of this mistake; of not
listening to my parents when they told me compromising on your health is
never a good idea. Over the years things like cutting back on sleep,
forgetting meals, ignoring anxiety induced headaches became my habits.
I
hardly sat down and really enjoyed a meal. I have seen people mulling
over the question, “Aj kya khaien yaar? Samjh nai arahi.” For me the
choice of ‘what to eat’ needs to meet two conditions, “What can I get
fastest? What will help me function longest before the rumbling of my
stomach gets embarrassingly loud?” My weekdays sleep is restricted to
four to five hours. I started developing symptoms of repetitive strain
injury (RSI) when my hands’ muscles and tendons were getting damaged due
to overuse from constant typing. When writing is your favorite escape
from work, it really does not help with the condition.
With pain
shooting up my hands all the way to my shoulders and neck, standing on
the weighing scale-still underweight-I realized the cruelty of my
actions. How my constant race against time has pushed me further behind.
How I have never truly loved myself but my endeavors, ironically all of
them taken in the name of self-development. It’s important to
understand that there is a stark difference between working and
wearing oneself to a shadow.
We just need to remember to do certain things, small things and they work like
wonders, such as, giving your brain some downtime; preferring night
sleep over multiple power naps; consciously changing and fixing your
posture while working; asking for help because there is nothing wrong in
doing so; sometimes accepting the fact that your visions are just
unrealistic and most importantly pausing and taking in a deep breath, focusing on every small
intake of air and cherishing it like an essential activity of your life!
It took me a long time to understand that while running to IST,
its perfectly alright to pause and observe that squirrel climbing the
tree, or when REC runs out of Samosas you can still push your friend to
accompany you to H block for Samosa treat (with all the free chutneys).
Whenever you are being too hard on yourself just give yourself a gentle
reminder that,
“If you want to soar in life, you must first learn to
F.L.Y (First Love Yourself).”-Mark Sterling
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